Absalom (Unforgiveness)
Internal Struggle
Unforgiveness
Absalom’s sister Tamar was assaulted by their half-brother Amnon, and David, their father, did nothing about it. Absalom waited two years, killed Amnon himself, fled the country, and spent the next several years engineering a takeover of his father’s kingdom. Every major decision he made after Tamar’s assault was fueled by something he never dealt with directly.
What Happened?
Absalom was David’s son, described as the most handsome man in Israel. After he killed Amnon and fled, David eventually allowed him to return to Jerusalem but refused to see him for two more years. Absalom forced a meeting by setting his general Joab’s field on fire. After the reunion with David, Absalom began standing at the city gate, listening to people’s disputes, telling them their cases were valid but that no one in the king’s house would hear them, and winning their loyalty over four years. He then declared himself king in Hebron, drove David out of Jerusalem, publicly took his father’s concubines, and was ultimately killed in battle when his hair caught in a tree and he was left hanging until Joab killed him (2 Samuel 13-18).
How Did Unforgiveness Affect Absalom?
- Absalom’s unresolved anger over what happened to Tamar became the lens through which he interpreted everything his father did
- He waited silently for two years before acting, which gave the bitterness time to calcify into a plan
- He took justice into his own hands rather than confronting the situation directly or working through legitimate means
- He used the genuine grievances of others to build a following for a cause that was really about his own wound
- The closer he got to what he thought he wanted, the more destructive his decisions became
- He died not knowing whether his father mourned him, but David’s grief at his death was one of the most intense in all of Scripture
The Tragedy
Absalom was restored to Jerusalem, allowed back into his father’s presence, and given a second chance that most people in his situation would not have received. He used it to build a rebellion. When he finally drove David out of the city and thought he had won, his advisor Ahithophel told him the smart move was to pursue David immediately. Absalom delayed, which gave David’s forces time to regroup. That decision cost him the campaign. He was killed alone in a forest, hanging from a tree, while his army was defeated around him. He had spent years pursuing what he was owed and died without it, having destroyed the relationship that, by his father’s grief, clearly still had something left in it.
The Pattern That Led to Destruction
- Experienced a genuine injustice that was mishandled by the person responsible for dealing with it
- Let the anger sit unaddressed until it became a plan
- Took matters into his own hands rather than confronting the situation directly
- Used legitimate grievances of others to fuel a personal agenda
- Escalated past the point of return and destroyed the relationship he may have actually wanted to restore
- Died alone, the opposite of the influence and recognition he had built his campaign to achieve
Practical Steps for Facing Unforgiveness
- Deal with the wound directly rather than letting it build a strategy underground
- Have the actual conversation rather than engineering situations that force a confrontation on your terms
- Separate the legitimate grievance from the plan it is generating, not every wrong thing justifies every response
- Ask whether what you are building is really about justice or about making someone feel what you feel
- Get help processing significant betrayal rather than carrying it alone until it turns into action
- Notice when your unforgiveness has started using other people’s real problems to advance your own cause
- Consider what it would cost to forgive before calculating the full cost of not forgiving
